Fear

There are those uncontrollable ‘you just have to deal with them’ type fears. Death, accidents, fear of your child bringing home someone completely horrible and saying ‘but we are in love and getting married next week’. Those things that you know are really unlikely to happen, but you worry about anyway.

There are the fears that you are inadequate as a parent. Are you feeding your children too much, not enough, sleeping enough, not sleeping enough, do they feel loved or not loved enough, are you too soft on discipline or not tough enough and raising a bunch of delinquents. On top of that there is the fear of the consequences of the above actions – obesity, poor performance at school, mentally disturbed children. You worry about them but soldier on and do the best you can do, you push the fears to the back of your mind, or pick up a few new parenting books to try some new techniques.

In addition to the above there are also the immediate, situation based fears. You know the feeling you get when you are quite happy pottering about and you hear a bang, or crash as you automatically go into ‘what was that/who was that/is there blood/do I hear screaming panic mode. Or the kind of fear when you are out and about ‘don’t cycle too close to the road/slow down/what are people going to think of me walking down the road with a double buggy+baby in sling+2 backpacks+a child on bike+giving out to a child running too far ahead’ fears. Again, these aren’t usually anything major, any bumps or bruises can be remedied, and usually forgotten about pretty quickly, its just a part of every day parenting.

But nothing has ever struck as much fear into my heart as laying in bed and hearing as well as feeling deep breathing inches from my face and immediately knowing that there was someone in our bedroom. I have faced all of the above fears and deal with them, but this was actual horror movie stuff.  Now, the logical part of my brain was still clearly in sleep mode and didn’t register that there was probably one of my children standing over me in my bed. I was convinced it was most likely either a ghost, an axe murderer, or a kidnapper. My heart pounded, I was sweating and quite literally was terrified!! I’ve never been in an experience before, bar watching films like ‘The Ring’ where I have been petrified, and even when watching horror films I chant ‘its only a film, its only a film’, but this was very real, and the middle of the night.

I hugged Cora closer to me, kicked at Mr Clev to wake up, and opened my eyes to be met with Vivi about 2 inches from my face just staring at me in some kind of sleep trance.

This prompted me to completely lose it, scream, wake up Mr Clev who screamed, wake up Cora who screamed, and wake up Vivi who quickly snapped from her trance like state to also join the screamfest. Amelie also woke up but she never screams, she just grunts for more Tea.

It honestly took us about thirty minutes to relax and calm down and settle everyone back to sleep.

Vivi has found the transition in to big girl bed pretty smooth, but if she wakes up she just gets out of bed and goes for a wander. This is my first experience of this, with the others preferring the “shout loudly until Mum or Dad comes running in” approach to middle of the  night waking.

***Must install baby gates****

Which brings me back to my first point – Fears. My overriding fear at the moment is that this little one is not getting enough sleep and that makes me a bad Mama. 8 hours at night and maybe 1 during the day, if I’m lucky. Ive weathered the storm of poor sleeping before and I know it usually sorts itself out, but I’m so so tired, the night waking and wandering is not safe or healthy.

Anyone have any ideas??

I will leave you with this public service announcement from Vivienne. 

One day they will all move out and I will sleep then right?!